


Qom'i

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-12 00:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you are eleven years old and you hate your eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Qom'i

**i.**

you are eleven years old and you hate your eyes. the others tell you that they're human. your mother tells you they're beautiful. she means that they're right. you think about cutting them out one night. that'll show them. it’ll show them that you're strong enough to do anything they can do. but after a minute you set your fork down, lips drawn into a thin line, and tell your father that you are advancing beyond expectations in all of your academic work. he is not proud of you. vulcans do not feel pride. vulcans do not feel shame, either. what does that make you?

**ii.**

you are fifteen and you are the most capable student of the vulcan learning center in a hundred years. you are on the fast-track to do anything. you already know what 'anything' is. you will apply to the vulcan science academy. you will be accepted. you are not confident in much, but you have learned that your abilities are reliable. you are smart and you are fast and your mind can process any problem given to it.  you are capable. why, then, do you still feel as if you do not fit in?

**iii.**

you are nineteen and you are on your knees in a hygiene chamber. your mother waits outside. beyond her waits those who have already decided your future. all you have to do now is face them. everything you are, everything you want to be, everything your father wants you to be — it is all waiting. you are going to be sick again. this lack of control only proves everything you have been told since you were six. you are not worthy, and you are not vulcan. will you ever be?

**iv.**

you are twenty and your mouth tastes like copper. you have lied about your bruises twice. you cannot do so again without arousing suspicion. vulcans do not lie, but you are not vulcan. even so, you are different. they hate you for that, just as they had hated you on Vulcan. then it was your human heritage that drove their blood to boil. here it is your pointed ears and your formal speech; the way you are determined to do what is right and the way you are smarter than them. they do not love you. will you ever fit in?

**v.**

you are twenty-five and you are teaching at the Academy. you know that cadets whisper behind your back; that they say your classes are impossible and that you are unhelpful. you know that your classes are challenging and that you will meet any student that is willing to work halfway. you help those who try, not those who expect to excel because that is what they are used to. you have graduated with honors; they will be lucky to graduate. they dislike you; you do not care. will you?

**vi.**

you are twenty-six and you are playing chess with one of your best students. you always win. perhaps today your concentration has slipped; you are mentally going over tomorrow's lesson plan when you hear a triumphant 'checkmate' from the woman across from you. your astonishment is only evident through a raised eyebrow and a calm verbal acknowledgment of her victory. she is smiling, all of her emotions painted so clearly on her face. you think that she is beautiful. is this what love feels like?

**vii.**

you are twenty-eight and you have never felt like this before. the last memory you will ever have of your mother is her slipping from your grip. she had been afraid. so had you. you cannot mourn her. the fate of the Federation is in the hands of the Enterprise. the Enterprise is in your hands. you do not know the proper course of actions, but you know that Jim Kirk is wrong. what do you do?

**viii.**

your hands are around his neck and you are so mad that you cannot think. your head is buzzing and everything is unbearably loud and deathly silent; you do not feel anything and yet you feel everything. you are shaking and tightening your grip around his throat and all you can think about is how much you want him dead. like it'll bring your mother back. like it'll save vulcan. it won't. you remember that when you hear your Father calling your name. you are not fit to be a Starfleet officer. you are not fit to be vulcan. what are you fit to be?

**ix.**

you are talking to yourself, and yourself is talking back. everything makes sense, even though you still have a thousand questions. did your mother live in his universe? did vulcan survive? it must have, you think. longer, at least, than it has here. you do not cry; you merely resign your commision and prepare to travel to new vulcan. except he tells you not to. and you listen to him. why?

**x.**

you listen because you want to believe what he has told you about Jim. you want to believe that you will be friends with him. and for a while, your duplicate seems to be correct. you have a different style than your Captain's; but you compliment each other perfectly. you spend an adequate amount of time together off-duty; you save each other's lives. you believe that you are friends, or, at least, on your way to being so. except then you file a report, and they reassign you, and they take the Enterprise away from him. you have never felt so wrong. can you fix it?

**xi.**

as it turns out, you do not have to. a man named John Harrison does that himself, although you would have prefered to do it yourself. Pike is dead. you and Jim are on the Enterprise again, accompanied by an admiral's daughter. you have not told Jim about her. you are waiting until you need to. Nyota is upset. you do not know if you love her. you do not know if you love anybody. you do not feel. you only think. who is Khan, and what does he want?

**xii.**

everything happens too fast. you do your duty. you do not give your emotions any attention. you shove them way, lock them down. you do not feel. you are cold, calculating, precise. you are what the Enterprise needs. Jim seems to think so, too. he leaves the Enterprise to you. you want to tell him no; want to tell him that you are not as effective without him. you simply agree and arm the missiles. are you prepared?

**xiii.**

miracles do not exist. the Enterprise is careening towards earth. everyone on board will die.

evacuation is failing. you will not be able to save anyone if you do not stabilize this ship. the warp core is offline. you are all going to die. and then the power flickers back on and the Enterprise begins to fly again. there is silence. you are all processing the events of the last seven minutes. you know before Lieutenant Commander Scott comms. miracles do not exist, but Jim Kirk does. you run. what has he done?

**xiv.**

he is dying. jim is dying, and you can do nothing. you do not know how to comfort him. you do not know how to compress your feelings into a few sentences. so you settle for telling him that you know he cares. you hope that enough will be evident through what you manage to say; a tear runs down your face unbidden. you are losing him and you are alone and you are feeling. what are you without him?

**xv.**

he told you that you cannot break bone. you will show him. his nose. his arm. his leg. it is nothing compared to what he has made you feel. you want to rip him limb from limb, and the only thing that stops you is Nyota screaming Jim's name. you will spare him only to save Jim. will it work?

**xvi.**

and you do save Jim, with the help of Doctor McCoy. he opens his eyes and McCoy calls you in and you are so relieved you could fall down. you do not. you merely incline your head when he speaks and leave when the doctor tells you to. he will rest. you will wait. what will you say to him?

**xvii.**

you do not say anything to him. he just presses his lips to yours and you know. you both know. you do not have to speak to each other, because when you are together, everything makes sense. you are S'chn T'gai Spock. you are half-vulcan and half-human. you are good enough. and most of all, you are in love with Jim Kirk, and he is in love with you, too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in ages, but Spock is actually my baby so - have this horrible piece of writing that I'll probably end up deleting. Warming up to an actual fic!


End file.
